Two-year-old Facebook-post black-and-white selfie that’s meant to not look like a selfie… It’s worth sharing the words again. But I can’t just copy and paste here, because it’s not where I am now. It may have been a day in migraine-recovery doldrums, but my eyes have been dry. If you need a reminder that seasons are only seasons… and you’re not the only one to find the waning of summer to fall difficult… and that you can shine no matter the external or internal weather… read on, Friend…
Let’s call this end-of-summer-depressed writer. I have the accoutrements… Short story collection. Moody music. Notebook and writing implement. Old baggy t-shirt and comfy sweats.
Soaking up some much-needed sun. Going to get moving again shortly. Because that’s what it’s about sometimes, isn’t it? Just doing the next thing.
Rough weekend, rough. I don’t know when I last cried so. much. About random things. I should write more about it. All the sirens racing down the street yesterday, and physical memories of holding my oldest as a baby… But otherwise numb. That odd form of dissociation. Everything feels separate from me, including my own body. My brain is sluggish. My energy is sapped. My motivation low. I don’t want to interact with people. I’m overwhelmed by their emotion in abstract, can’t connect in reality.
I’ve been doing well, for quite some time. Stable. Hiccups here and there, of course. But that’s normal. Everyone experiences ups and downs; it’s part of life. And I know I’m going to be fine. I’m not going to crash. I don’t think I’ll ever fall back into the crushing dark that almost killed me. If you’ve never experienced suicidal depression, I hope you never do.
Any way… What’s the point of this post?
If you struggle with this time of year, you need to know it’s not uncommon. You’ll survive. You’ve made it this far, right? Keep moving. Make healthy choices. Do what you need to do to give your brain its best chance… When it comes to self-indulgence, remember moderation, or you’ll feel worse. Yeah, snacking is wrecking me; need to get it under control.
And what’s the point of social media if we try to keep it all shiny? I’m not shining right now. Yet I am.
I shine regardless. Because I win. Depression doesn’t. I survived. And I do more than just survive now. I live. There may always be moments, even days, that are reduced to just getting through. But that’s life, people. I will never again just exist.
I live. LIVE.
And shine. Even if you can’t see it, even if I can’t see it.
I’ve been writing, Reader! Not just resharing this on my blog that’s been quiet too long, but also on Vocal. I shared a story! FICTION, y’all!
You can also check out a nonfiction piece I wrote about writing The Water is Where… Hope isn’t always light…
Last link for this evening, but not least: my first piece on Vocal, Who Do You Think You Are, Little Girl. It’s about some pain I experienced as an adoptee, and what it’s like to experience dissociation and depersonalization.
You’ve got this. You really do.